"the game kids are DYING to play"

I heard a commercial on the radio yesterday for a news story about "Protecting your kids from the game they're DYING to play." I'm assuming they were talking about the whole kids choking each other for fun thing. (The following rant doesn't need my little commercial introduction to make sense, but I just threw that in there to show the big deal people are making about this.)

OK, so you find out that your kids are now choking each other for fun -- or to get high, or pass out, or 'cause it's cool, or whatever the hell they think. And you don't know what to do about it? BEAT THE CRAP out of your kids.

Now, I'm not a parent, and probably won't be for a few years. But I can tell you right now -- and both of my parents would probably agree -- that I would beat the crap out of my kid.

What are your options? How else do you treat a child who thinks it's smart/fun/cool to choke someone (or be choked) until passing out?

I'm not talking 5- or 6-year olds. These are teenagers doing this.

And it's not new! Why do people think it's new? My (future) mother-in-law said that kids were doing that when she was young. And when I was younger!

The summer after sixth grade I went to camp (the only time my parents made the mistake of dropping me off in the wilderness) and there was this group of kids making each other pass out.

'Ooh, look, she's shaking and drooling on the ground and I can see up her skirt. Wanna try?'

I don't think so.

I didn't have many friends when I was that age, and I wanted to be part of the crowd. During that same camp experience, I even let an older boy (named Nino) touch my boob when we were taking a picture together because I didn't want him to think I was lame. But allowing someone else to choke me would have been dumb. That much I knew.

So why are people having such a problem "talking to their kids" about this?

DON'T LET ANYONE CHOKE YOU. Fuckin duh, man. Seriously. Do we really need an hour-long Oprah special on this one, or can kids just develop minds that work independently of other people before they start killing their brain cells?

Five Things I Wanted to Do At Work Today, But Couldn't

Five Things I Wanted to Do At Work Today, But Couldn't, For Fear of People Staring Into My Cubical:

(dedicated to Melissa Juhas)

1. Tie my hair into a knot -- I've heard that's impossible to do, but today there was a hair on my sweater and it had a tiny little knot at the end of it. I'd like to try to tie into a knot a whole section of my hair, but can't right now, for fear of people staring.

2. Paint my toenails -- It's time for a pedicure, and I'm ready to paint them (Hey, I could do work while the paint is drying...)

3. Have a rum and Coke, and a smile -- My chapstick reminds me of Captain Morgan's Spiced Rum. It's vanilla-flavored, but something about the butteriness of it makes me think of the Captain.

4. Make an appointment to check out a DJ for the wedding -- Well, that I can't do because we don't have any time to go to the appointment. Although people might stare -- you never know.

5. Take a nap -- Come on now. I think this one is self-explanatory.

One of My Bathroom Fears

One of my bathroom fears just came true:

I was in a bathroom stall and the cleaning guy came into the bathroom. I know this because I heard someone come into the bathroom and then leave, and then when I walked out, the cleaning guy was standing outside the door, waiting to go in. And he looked at me as if to say, Wow, you drink a lot of water.

Thank GOD I don't go to the bathroom -- you know, GO to the bathroom -- in public places. And this little incident only served to reaffirm my belief in holding it.

Rufus at the Beacon (11/2/05)

Last night was Rufus Wainwright at the Beacon Theatre* --

Excellent show. Rufus sounded amazing, and the Beacon is a great venue for him. I've seen him there twice, but last night, he had a brass section, which is something I've been waiting for since Want One was released. "Beautiful Child" sounded so great. He opened with "Oh What a World," which was awesome. A few new songs that I'll be excited to get once they come out (one -- "Between My Legs" -- apparently for someone that was in the audience last night but he didn't want to talk about). "Poses," which is always welcome. "I Don't Know What It Is," "Want," "Go or Go Ahead," "The Art Teacher." Some other songs from Want Two that I've heard but not enough to remember. A Leonard Cohen song, "Chelsea Hotel," that I've never heard before, but really liked. A McGarrigle Christmas song from his mother's new CD. Et cetera.

Bill wasn't so happy about "Gay Messiah," and I'll have to admit, it was a little over the top. (This coming from somebody who is only offended by people who get offended.) Everyone on stage came out in white sheets, basically, to the end of "Old Whore's Diet." Then two guys, in those Roman-looking outfits with the brush-type helmets, came out with a big white cross, and put a wreath on Rufus's head and these diamond bracelet things on his wrists. Then Rufus stood there and sang "Gay Messiah" with his arms lifted on the cross. It was so wrong. I told Bill I think we should go to church on Sunday now.

Even crazier -- after the whole "Gay Messiah" thing, they left and came back for an encore. He played a new song, and then "Hallelujah," from the Shrek soundtrack. It was just two totally different sides of the spectrum. I mean, not that "Hallelujah" from Shrek is anything like the religious song, but it's uplifting! At least I think so. And this is my blog, dammit.

(This is why I don't professionally write reviews.)

But, all in all, it was much better than the last time I saw him (in Philly at one of those two outdoor venues, it was raining, everybody was there to see Guster or Ben Folds, not good). I wasn't disappointed. Although I would have liked to hear "Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk." And "California."


*This account of the concert is mostly for Angela, because she wanted to know everything that happened. (Ang -- there was this great t-shirt with Rufus on it. I wanted to get it for you, but I also wanted it for myself and I couldn't decide, and I didn't have any money, so I didn't buy it at all. It's a shame.)

"All them tremendous brunettes..."

I have "Tremendous Brunettes" -- by Mike Doughty, featuring Dave Matthews -- stuck in my head. But I don't know many of the words, so "All them tremendous brunettes" is the line that keeps circling. Or is it circulating?

Open. Delete. Open. Delete.

And today, I spend all day deleting electronic receipts from the PR request e-mails I sent out this morning.

Almost an accident

I almost got in a car accident this morning on the way to work.

I was on a pretty busy road, probably a numbered road but not a highway. There are two lanes, and the left lane is always backed up in the morning. So some people, myself included, drive up in the right lane and cut over when the lane ends. But that's what happened.

So I'm in the right lane, and I'm going about 30ish because there's no one in front of me, and a car from the left lane (I think there was a woman driving) just pulls in front of me. I slam on my breaks and lay on my horn, and she stops, waits for a second, then puts her hand up like, OK, I'm going now. I'm still shaking my head at her as she accelerates and slams right into an SUV coming from the other direction and making a left. I slam on my breaks again and sit there, stunned. I can't believe she just hit that car. The cars behind me start pulling around the accident, and I do the same.

I still can't believe it.
A - That could've been me, either that she slammed into, or that slammed into the SUV. She may not have been paying attention, but I know I couldn't see the SUV turning from where I was, so I probably would've hit it.
B - I didn't stop and I didn't call 911. I know how to get to work, and I go on that road every day, but if you asked me in a normal conversation what road it was, I wouldn't be able to tell you. In a situation like that, I freeze. Plus, as Bill mentioned, if I had stayed until the cops got there to give my account of what happened or something, the woman in the car might have tried to blame me for cutting her off or something.

I feel horrible. And my heart is still pounding. And I'm so glad it wasn't me.